(Me, summer of 2017, ’thinking’ I was sick..)
Less than two years ago, I felt like hell, my hair wasn‘t growing, I looked like hell. In a nutshell, I was in hell. I won’t say that I wasn’t sick and suffering, because indeed I was both. What I didn’t understand at the time was just how much my thoughts were affecting my ability to heal.
“My mind and therefore body were not in a healing state, so no regime was going to work.”
Here‘s where it can get tricky, because first I had to figure out that it was my unconscious beliefs holding me back from being in a state of healing. No matter what medical center I was sent to, medicine or herb I was given, or diet I was placed on, my mind and therefore body were not in a healing state, so no regime was going to work.
I knew I wanted to get well for my daughter and husband, but I did not know the extent of what was subconsciously holding me back. It was crucial that I dig up these buried emotions and tap into my inner child in order to unveil the truth of why I wasn’t getting better. For me, it was in the form of unhealed early childhood trauma and its domino effect over the years. Please refer to my earlier blog post “Healing My Inner Child” to learn more about this process.
(Me, around age 5.. trauma, secrets, and an unhealthy environment began my self defeating, negative thinking, which became my inner voice..)
I’d be lying if I said it was easy, facing the truth of the abuse and healing the trauma. If there was a hell on earth, I imagine this comes close, and many who have survived trauma and been through the necessary healing process know just what I mean. This is surely why so many of us turn to numbing behaviors and addictions such as food addiction, alcohol, and drugs. Some escape through overachieving and work, still never finding the peace, self fulfillment and happiness they seek... until they dig deep, face their fears head on, and put in the work.
Sadder, still, is that far too many never get the chance to heal, taking their own lives, often via substance abuse overdose or due to health related problems stemming from the trauma. I could have easily been one of them, but I am still here to tell you that it can and will get better and it is WORTH the work. It is scary at first, but no scarier than leaving this earth too soon, leaving behind your potential and all those you’re meant to impact while you’re here.
In my case, addiction to guilt, shame and self blame was my go-to survival mechanism, common among sexual abuse survivors. This began the negative thinking spiral that as much as I would fight, lingered into my adulthood, adding to the negative energies festering deep within my core.
“..I had learned to think like this early on, which meant that I could UNlearn these false core beliefs, such as ‘I’m unsafe,’ ‘I’m not good enough,’ and ‘I’m stupid...’”
The awesome news: I had learned to think like this early on, which meant that I could UNlearn these false core beliefs, such as “I’m unsafe,” “I’m not good enough,” and “I’m stupid,” which had led to sometimes subtle self destructive or self sabotaging behaviors. My body also believed my thoughts and acted in accordance.
So, in between bouts of self defeating behaviors were always the lingering thoughts, “I’m so sick, everyone knows it, no one thinks I’ll get well,” etc etc etc. I’ve come to realize that thoughts alone are as impactful as behaviors themselves!
A major turning point for me was just last summer when while on a stroll with my husband, who had been incredibly supportive and patient with this patient, he explained to me how he’d informed one of my doctors that I was doing so much better largely because I “refused to be the sick one anymore.”
As true as this statement was, Holy moly, looking back, my ego did not like that one; I could feel the resistance. It had become so used to that identity in order to keep the root cause hidden. Thankfully, I recognized this pattern of egoic thinking and allowed myself to surrender and follow the signs being provided from above constantly, allowing my Highest Self, that of love and intrinsic worth with which I was born, to lead the way to true healing.
I knew then that I had to make an even more conscious effort to change my thoughts.
“You are what you think you are.”
I have spoken of it before and will continue to do so because I truly believe and am living it: You are what you think you are.
Even if you don’t believe it right away, start small and notice your thoughts, replacing each negative with what you WANT to be/think/feel.
In time, this WILL lead to a complete change in your thinking pattern, leading to a change in behavior and energy, inching you and sometimes propelling you toward your goal.
I talk to myself and my body constantly. “I am perfectly heathy. My organs are getting stronger, skin glowing, energy improving, with every breath I take.“ This feel far-fetched for you? Start small with how it is that you want to feel: “I want to be healthy/happy/successful.“ Your actions will begin to follow suit and your higher power will happily provide. 🙏🏼
I find nature, gentle exercise, and meditation extremely helpful to aid in nurturing self love and acceptance and inviting in positive change... oh, and puppy snuggling! 🤷♀️
Do what works for YOU... begin shifting those thoughts to what you want and you‘ll quickly discover what works best for you. A general rule of thumb: if it feels Right, it’s True.
“If it feels Right, it’s True.”
Is it all smooth sailing? Hell no! But as new age spiritual guru Gabby Bernstein says and I wholeheartedly agree, “Obstacles are detours in the right direction.”
An example: when my husband and I were particularly desperate as I was unable to sleep and my pain levels high, we tried to obtain a medical marijuana prescription. We did all in our power to get this, to no avail.
I sensed at the time there was a reason for it and I now understand that it was because this would have simply replaced alcohol and prescription mood altering meds and numbed me out more, further distracting me from the goal at hand: healing, mind, body, & spirit. (Note: I’m not saying marijuana isn’t beneficial for some, just not for me in my situation).
I had to face the truth, heal the trauma, and then remember my innate worth, which is intrinsic. I had to unlearn many false beliefs and begin to consciously shift my thoughts from that of doubt and defeatism to that of hope and of love for myself, focusing on how I wanted to feel: peaceful, healthy and happy.
I still constantly catch myself thinking unnecessary, energy draining and/or negative thoughts, but I’m now able to almost immediately notice and shift them to more helpful thoughts. For example, I now find myself quickly replacing “I’ll never get off this med” to “I’m down by 2.5 more milligrams! I’ll be off in no time... I’m kicking SO MUCH ASS!!” 💪🏼
It is a process, but it does not have to take years or even months! Eventually, it becomes your new inner voice, that of the God which is within you, whoever or whatever you perceive it to be. 🙏🏼
I believe that no matter your situation, you can make it better and improve your life and health through the power of thought alone. Can you think of any reason to believe otherwise? .. “But what IF I DON’T get better?...” I promise you, there is no harm in trying. ❤️❤️❤️
(Me, today: “I Am Perfectly Healthy” 🤗)
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I am currently tapering several tricky medications, including an oral steroid and a controversial thyroid medication, and will undoubtedly be sharing the ups and downs of my journey here. Stay tuned and happy healing!!! 🙌🏼🙏🏼❤️🙏🏼