What’s Holding *You* Back?
I haven’t written in a while and I can think of plenty of excuses why, but I know the real truth is that I’ve allowed myself to fall off the wagon in several ways. It’s funny how it can feel very all-or-nothing with this healing stuff when in fact, it doesn’t have to be. By incorporating even one small change or healing practice each day, we can avoid the typical pitfalls.
For me, the invasion of strangers in my home for home improvements over the summer months and early fall ended up being quite triggering for me and my ego went berserk trying to make a come-back. ’How dare these dudes come in and take over, while taking advantage of our generosity and coming and going as they please, not finishing nearly on time AND messing up a LOT?!?’
I kept trying to ask myself and Universe ‘What is this for?’ And my ego’s snarky reply would overshadow any True answer.
My ego: “It’s to remind me that most men are careless, ignorant A-holes just like I always knew.”
Not my most shining moment. 🤦🏼♀️
It is funny how much our egos- that set of beliefs we made up as children based on our life experiences- can make a comeback when we least expect it.
It’s weeks later and I’m just now able to quiet my insecure ego’s lying voice about people’s motives and intentions and what it says about me.
As I try to dig myself up out of this latest hole I dug for myself, as always I understand that self forgiveness must come first so that I can forgive others. I forgive myself for believing that I am unimportant and that my needs don’t matter.
It is in fact a belief that I made up many years ago when my own stepfather who was in contracting proved time and time again that I’m nothing, my needs are unimportant and he could do and say whatever he wanted. This of course led me to believe that all men in contracting and construction smelling of saw dust and spackle are creepy, narcissistic, and to be feared. Sounds so silly now, yet it was true.
Worse yet, these men came rolling into my driveway in white vans with roof racks - the exact vehicle he drove that I would run and hide from as it pulled into the driveway daily for years.
Looking back, it is clear that this was a test by the Above to see where I really am in my healing so that I can continue to progress and the fact is, I have a long way to go.
One of my biggest vices has always been food and the binge eating had worsened upon discovering that my food sensitivities are much less than they were at my sickest. I almost wish I’d never ‘experimented’ with that first bowl of ice cream at a birthday party in the spring. But the fact is, that too was meant to happen so that I could learn another lesson and heal more that desperately needs healing.
I went on to overindulge in all the foods for months and found myself turning to it even more when unconsciously I felt threatened and invaded by the men working in our home. I used them as an excuse to carry on with this addiction of choice. I did get out in nature even more too, though; my much healthier habit!
It hit me almost suddenly the other day that this ‘little’ food issue is actually protecting me from facing other truths by numbing and placating me and allowing me to avoid the real problem.
So I’ve decided to stop lying to myself and to take a good hard look at my eating habits, the when’s and the whys, and it’s clear that I do in fact eat out of comfort, frustration, and any extreme emotion really.
The weight gain became a bit excessive even if I don’t have a weight ‘problem.’ But it wasn’t even that that has made me finally take charge of this problem. It was the fact that these heavy foods began to literally weigh me down, body mind and and spirit.. and not just the foods themselves, but the viscous cycle of binge and shame that I felt so stuck in.
I would start a ‘diet’ thinking that a strict way of eating would help to tame my cravings and make it simpler, but this only further fueled my rebound binges.
I tried Carnivore which was great for about a week until I got so sick of meat and eggs that I would end up frustrated and on another binge.
I’ve never been good at moderation and it was almost easier when I was too sick to eat any inflammatory foods. How sad is that?!
It was that thought in particular that made me be honest with myself and realize that something has to change because I am doing so incredibly well in most ways and I will not let this thing deter further deep healing and my ultimate goal of inner peace.
Sadly, it also took some scary food and blood sugar related crises recently to scare me straight, right back into a balanced, moderate way of eating: mostly whole, anti-inflammatory foods. I’m once again learning to use food as fuel.. eat to live, not live to eat.
This of course means that whatever I might have been shoving down by shoveling delicious diddies down my pie hole is coming right back up, and that’s okay, too. The fact is that I feel so much lighter and brighter while eating primarily whole, vibrant foods again and they of course raise our vibration and promote positive energy, while things like unnatural, heavy processed foods literally drag us down in every way.
I’ve also learned again that it is ok to indulge sometimes, as long as it doesn’t creep into a daily habit! I think for some of us it’s easier to hit the ‘off’ switch than for others.
Of course this applies to every area of our lives. And it’s actually funny how food can be the hardest habit to break, likely because it‘s crucial to our survival, where things like drugs and alcohol aren’t and we can abstain from them altogether as needed.
So I’m not too sure yet if I’ve been using food to cope or if I’ve just gotten a bit careless and lazy, but I do know that it takes about 30 days to form a new habit and I’ll be taking this day by day until healthy eating is second nature again. (Look for upcoming posts about what I’ve learned about different ways of eating and how each helps heal our bodies depending on our situation.. I have learned so much about nutrition though my own healing experience, research and trial and error!)
It amazes me how far rock bottom I have to get in order to work on this food addiction stuff. I understand, though, that healing isn’t linear and I am peeling back these complex layers just like an onion.
It helps to know that I can stay in a dark place for a while, but I can always, always, dig my way back out through prayer and positive action.
Now that my loud ego voice has quieted down a bit, I can hear the angelic whispers of guidance once again, and they’re telling me to get my ass back to the gym again tomorrow! 😂
If you feel stuck or aren’t where you want to be, first forgive yourself and then take a moment now and ask yourself honestly, what is holding you back? I find it helpful to sit quietly and take a few minutes to journal- don’t filter your thoughts, but let your whole Truth flow from your pen. Your answers will come if you allow them in.
Then take action- one small step towards getting un-stuck. Mine was getting back to the gym; a healthier habit to overeating that feels good! ❤️
Maybe I’ll see you there! 💪🏼
**Thanks for reading and if you can relate to food addiction as most can, check out my post on ‘Brain Over Binge,’ which I discovered recently and find helpful! Also, it helped me to re-read my blog post ’You Are What You Think You Are’ to remind myself the incredible power of thought.
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Happy Healing! ❤️🙌🏼💫**