I’d love to be able to handle anything and everything ‘joyfully,’ but I’m not quite there yet.
Where I am currently is a bit lost and confused and contemplative after a second very early miscarriage.
I wasn’t going to be open about it, but holding it in isn’t really helping and I know that so many of you reading can relate all too well.
I wasn’t planning to try for a second child; in fact, I thought it was impossible, if not for health reasons, then for the fact that not long ago I was barely keeping myself alive, much less my family and another kid..
Then something happened: I spent a year to heal some life-long, deep rooted trauma and came out the other side healthier than ever in most ways.
Suddenly I was free and clear-headed and the world was my oyster.. well, you know, with few pearls to be found just yet.
It was so bizarre the way it just hit me one day many months ago at the park. My daughter was at school and I found myself missing her, but brushed it off with the thought of finding healing in solitude which led my mind down the ’What If‘ path as I meandered the actual park path.
“What if I had a baby right now? I’d never have alone time and I’d feel trapped when I literally just broke out of a life-long prison. That would suck... or would it?”
“Maybe I wanted the chance to do it all over again, whole and healthy this time.“
It hit me just as quickly that healing myself had healed a lot of my false beliefs I’d picked up at a very young age and my insecure ego had clung to for fear of its own demise. Now I realized that I WAS not only capable of caring for a baby, but maybe I actually wanted to. Maybe I wanted the chance to do it all over again, whole and healthy this time. Hallelujah, the choice was now mine! And my husband’s, of course. 😬
Suddenly everywhere I looked there were happy mommies bouncing bald-headed babes in their laps. Siblings were giggling and getting on each other’s nerves at every turn.
My daughter, Caleigh, isn’t one to demand a lot and she isn’t much of a complainer. She rolls with the punches pretty well and if something doesn't go her way, she gets over it pretty quickly. But one thing she has made clear is her desire to have a sibling.
The 10+ year age difference wouldn't faze her at all.
Suddenly again, I had even more reason to try for number two. But would my husband, Scott, be all-in or think I was completely insane? 😳
Long story short, he was totally shocked by my renewed desire to add another little pebble to our Stone tribe.
We were back and forth about it a bit, but ultimately decided I’d continue to try to wean from my remaining medications and keep getting as healthy as possible and then maybe we’d try over the summer.
I was unable to get off of thyroid hormone and a medication for my adrenal glands, both of which are safe during pregnancy and actually necessary for a healthy pregnancy if our own glands aren’t supplying enough of each hormone.
With flying colors, I got through an OB/GYN appointment with a male doctor, which was a major first and felt like quite a triumph due to PTSD and therefore a history of major White Coat Syndrome. (I’ve learned it helps to be upfront with hands-on doctors before any appointment).
The OB referred me to a Fetal Maternal Specialist
who informed us of the usual ‘Advanced Maternal Age’ concerns (I’m a ripe old 39 years old 😘), and upon review of my now-short medication list, cleared us to try to get pregnant.
Being in any doctor’s office or hospital is still quite stressful for me after years of landing in there left and right due to old trauma-induced ailments and aftermath.
“Oh, hind-sight, you pesky little bugger.“
Oh, hind-sight, you pesky little bugger.
I did have a lot of complications the first time around and had to spend lot of time on bed rest and several days in the hospital halfway through, but my healthy baby girl hung in there until 37 weeks. 😊
So it was no surprise in the office recently when my blood pressure did its usual sky-high, white coat thing and that and the tachycardia left me feeling a bit unsteady right off the bat.
What the hell was I even thinking considering getting pregnant again? SO much to worry about between advanced age, hormone med adjustments and the potential for my trauma history to impede my pregnancy progress.
I did what I do best these days and prayed and meditated on it.. a lot.. basically hearing and concluding that “in its divine time, it will happen.”
“I found myself trying to tweak plans to fit my own timing.
This is where I began to realize that I’m not quite as spiritually gifted as I had hoped, because instead of ‘letting go and letting God,’ I found myself trying to tweak plans to fit my own timing.
’I mean, I have to try NOW. I can’t wait a few more months to see where my health and flashback status is. I’m 39 for eff’s sake.. the clock’s-a-tickin.’
And so I did what any mama bear with maternal instincts kicking in would do: I said ‘screw it!’ and tried straight away.
We had begun incorporating some sacral chakra healing into my usual healing regime in hopes to get things flowing down there again and improve my chances of conceiving. (I’ll put a link on chakra healing at the end, below).
Lo and behold, we got knocked up on the second ‘try!’ ‘Oh happy day. Time to start thinking of names! I just know it’s going to be a boy!
Oh, poop... I’m a total girl mom. I won’t know what to do with a boy. .. well, shit, I grew up with four brothers and helped raise my younger brother; I must know something about it, right?’
It wasn’t long before my cautious, anxious excitement turned to shock as my slight spotting turned to heavy bleeding, clotting and cramping. My heart might as well have been flushed right down the toilet along with my baby dreams.
It was so early and I am so resilient, I told myself, so I wiped my few tears and moved on, though there was this lingering unease in every step.
Fast forward less than a month and I could tell within a week past conception that I was once again pregnant. It was different this time, though, and aside from the many spiritual signs I was receiving, the physical symptoms were very real. Sore, huge boobs, headaches, even more frequent urination, thirst, nausea, insomnia- you name it! It was terrifying and exciting all at the same time.
Unfortunately, increased hormones alter chemicals which led to a sudden onset of renewed flashback episodes, and one episode was quite severe in the middle of the night. This is hard on my body.
My supportive husband helped me through
as usual and we accepted that this might be a part of pregnancy for me.
I was sure it was meant to be this time and that if I stayed open, I’d be led to the resources and choices I needed to sustain a healthy pregnancy and have a healthy, happy bundle of blessing in nine long yet magical months.
I was waiting to take a pregnancy test because I didn’t want to ‘jinx’ anything (not that I *really* believe in that stuff anymore) or test too early only to be disappointed, but alas, I suddenly began heavily bleeding once again. The back pain was pretty intense again.
“Truly I was shaken this time..”
Truly I was shaken this time as the realization that this might not happen easily or smoothly sunk in.
I of course understood that an early pregnancy loss is usually just the result of a chromosomal abnormality and let‘s face it: as we get older, so do our eggs...
It has since dawned on me that it is quite likely that my body isn’t quite ready and my hormones are probably still a bit imbalanced. I’ve had low Progesterone/Estrogen dominance since after C was born.
It‘s amazing how when we want something badly enough, even if we tell ourselves and the world that we’ll be okay no matter what, it can still hurt so much when we don’t get it.
“I am not my ability to get pregnant.”
This is where I had to take a step back from my ‘must have a baby now‘ identity and remember that I am not my ability to get and stay pregnant. Being unable to do so sans intervention does not make me weak or defective or less of a woman.
I think a big part of my weariness is that it might in fact say something about my overall health, which I had hoped is almost optimal with my two meds, at least. Does this mean I’m not meant to have a baby or that my baby won’t be healthy if I am able to carry him to term?
These swirling thoughts are so hard to stop, and when you throw angry hormones into the mix, well, you know... 🤦🏼♀️😂
I’ve worked through so much of this in my head over the last week or so, but I haven’t really come to a conclusion as to whether we ‘should’ keep trying.
It’s tricky because I do have faith that things will turn out as they’re meant to and I do believe it is possible to manifest most anything, but we must fully try, and I’m unsure if I am ready and willing to
mess with my hormones again or intervene in any other way.
I have just now gotten to a peaceful, free place after a lifetime hiding in my self-made prison of suffering to avoid facing childhood abuse and its effects.
“We worked so hard to get here..”
We worked so hard to get here, my loyal husband and I, and I don’t know if I’m willing to risk my health again and put my family back into a state of worry and lack. I’m here now and I want to stay ‘here’ with them, where I belong.
The truth is, I don’t have the answers and I don’t have a crystal ball to show me my future. None of us does.
I guess all I can do for now is forgive myself for being so unsure and so uneasy and be gentle on myself about wanting another child of my own so much. I am human and I am healing and it is a wonderful sign that I’m able to contemplate the potential to try for another child after all these years.
My life no longer revolves around meds and struggling to breathe every moment. I am free. 🙏🏼
So I will let myself mourn a little more while understanding that if it is meant to be, it’s all in diving timing. I’ll continue to get even healthier and take time to focus on me and my beloved family who are here now.
I plan to keep open as I continue to navigate my way through this journey. It truly is a helpful healing outlet and I can only hope to connect with others on a similar path.
One thing I know for sure, always: We will be okay no matter what. 🙏🏼❤️🙏🏼
Thank you for reading and be sure to like Meg Happens on Facebook and subscribe to MegHappens.com to receive notifications of new posts. Happy Healing! 🙌🏼
Chakra healing info: http://www.chakrasincense.ca/optin