The Healing Practice of Radical Self Forgiveness & Self Love
Updated: Apr 17, 2019
(Beautiful back yard sunrise, reminding me of God’s glory which is all around and within me)
I feel icky. I am grumpy. I want to throat punch the lady in the freezer section for ‘stealing’ the last box of my daughter’s favorite popsicles. I feel like a douchenugget times ten for mentally berating this woman who simply dared to reach into a freezer and pull out a box of what was supposed to be MY daughter’s favorite desert. And so the cycle of negativity and ickiness continues.
How’d it start? Let me start from the beginning: After another restless night, as I sleepily stumbled my way down the stairs at 5 AM, following the frantic cries of my puppies whose bladders had had enough of withholding in a crate overnight, my bare foot landed in a ripe, warm pile of dog poo. How did that even happen and how did Houdini get in the house?
I must be the worst dog owner ever, to have so many accidents still happening in the house.
Scrubbing my hands over my eyes which looked like something out of a zombie horror movie, I surrendered to my fatigue and slumped into a nearby chair, quickly being pounced on by two furry figures, shortly followed by two warm, pink tongues smelling slightly of the litter box. Instead of warming my heart and tickling my funny bone as it usually does, my mind went straight to annoyance:
’For EFF’S SAKE, did they get into the litter again?
I’m such an asshole. The fu*k is wrong with me?
Worst house cleaner and dog trainer anywhere.
Now that I’m at it, I’m eating too many inflammatory foods lately, not exercising enough and I’m not spending enough quality time with my daughter. My writing has taken a back seat to these needy pups and I feel as if I’m slipping backwards a bit in my trauma healing, which is coming out in subtle ways and I don’t want it to impact my relationships; I’ve been hella snippy... and for fu*cks sake, I have the mouth of a sailor! 🤦🏼♀️
In a nutshell, I am overwhelmed.
I rush to get my daughter ready for school, puppies fed and romped and my toxic-feeling self out the door for a much needed chiropractic adjustment appointment.
After hitting every red light in town, I wait twenty minutes in the waiting room and with each tick of the clock, my irritability increases.
“My ego clearly woke up before Me this morning.”
My ego clearly woke up before Me this morning; those false core beliefs are running the show and with my tired, achy body on high-alert, I’m unconsciously looking for reasons to feel angry, wronged, and unsafe.
The doctor is the perfect target. She obviously feels I’m not worth her time, to make me wait so long. I guess her other patients time is more precious than mine? How are they more deserving? Wait, didn’t this happen last week, too? That’s it: I’m taking my business elsewhere.
And so the irrational cycle of fear based thoughts continues! I thought I’d gotten past this... Oh, look, another reason to be down on myself! 🤦🏼♀️
I gently inform the receptionist that this is at least the second time I’ve had to wait after rushing to make it on time, and I head out, filled with both rage and a sort of self satisfaction for standing up for myself.
“That is OKAY. Guilt got me nowhere in the past.”
Thing is, it didn’t feel good in my heart, so I knew deep down I had some work to do. I was really ‘in the negativity zone’ yesterday and I was aware of it, but not in a place to do much about it, and you know what I realized? That is OKAY. Guilt got me nowhere in the past.
I believe the first step to true change is wanting it and making it known that you want it. It might not feel good as your ego violently rebels, desperately grasping onto the safety of acting out in anger for self protection.
Even as I said/thought to myself, “I recognize that I’m out of alignment with my power and I can choose peace instead of this,” I rolled my eyes and felt my jaw tighten.
Me ego was ready to smack a b*tch! 😂 She was not backing down.
(More of God’s glory, before The Storm)
It‘s so easy to get caught up in our egos, feel lonely and as if the Universe is conspiring against us and when lack of sleep, hormonal imbalances, or physical discomfort play a role, our minds grasp even harder to find ’the source(s)‘ of this discomfort, triggering old false beliefs left and right and perpetuating that cycle.
Once something as small as hitting all the red lights on the way to an appointment sets us off, it‘s as if this negative energy field is surrounding us everywhere we go and affecting everyone we know.
And it is not far from the truth. The good news is that recognizing that it’s happening and noticing your thoughts without judgement is half the battle in taming the self berating Ego Beast.
Once we have noticed our thoughts and how they are negatively affecting us and those around us, we can make the choice to shift from negative energy/low vibration, to positive energy/higher vibration.
How do we do this? It’s simple, really, and here are just a few tips that I find helpful:
Firstly, notice the thought you’re fighting against and failing. Try accepting it for what it is. People have ‘yucky’ thoughts. It doesn’t make you a weirdo or a mean or bad person. It makes you human.
Next, forgive yourself for having such thoughts.
“I’ve FINALLY learned that stressing about stressing is only sapping my already dwindling precious energy.”
I did a whole lot of forgiving myself yesterday morning. 🤣
I was full of all the icky feels, but I‘ve FINALLY learned that stressing about stressing is only sapping my already dwindling precious energy.
Rough day at work and sweet tooth got the best of you? Try something like, “I am willing to forgive myself for skipping my salad in favor of the coffee and donuts my coworker brought in and then for stinking up the ladies room... and then for blaming it on Barb 😳... I forgive myself, knowing that I will consciously make more loving choices next time.”
“How do you want to feel?”
How do you want to feel?
It can feel downright impossible to snap out of a particularly nasty mood, especially when it started the moment you set foot out of bed, but getting yourself into a higher vibration is possible.
Something as small as humming your favorite melody, genuinely complimenting a co-worker (I suggest you start with Barb 🤔...) or taking a quick stroll on your lunch break can do wonders to bring you back into alignment with your own power, making you a magnet for more miracles.
I have learned during my own healing process, that it is so very true that what we ‘put out there’ into the Universe, we get back in abundance.
Gratitude and recognition of what you already DO have is so incredibly healing in itself. Some days it is harder than hard to feel grateful, but think to yourself, write down or say aloud what you are grateful for amidst the madness. Even if you can’t feel the warm n fuzzies, recognition is powerful and those fuzzy feelings will soon follow!
Throughout the thick of my trauma healing process, I was not in a stable enough place to practice active gratitude, but I found myself thinking how fortunate I am to have such a supportive husband, for example, and thanking the heavens above for this.
It was incredibly difficult to understand why this was all happening to me, but I knew in my heart that there was purpose in it, and speaking of my husband, it only brought us closer in the end. 🙏🏼
What‘s just as important? It is SO OKAY to feel like the pile of poo under your shoe for a while, to eat low energy foods, watch the occasional trashy movie, and to yell at your kid when they back sass ya. It’s part of being a spirit on a very human adventure.
“Forgive yourself and move on... your state can change at any time.”
These low energy behaviors won’t doom you to the pits of hell for all eternity. Forgive yourself and move on, being empowered and proud to know that tomorrow is a new day, you have the tools and power to work toward self growth, and your state can change at any time.
I have to admit that yesterday was, for whatever reason, one of my trickiest in a long while, but I believe there is a purpose for everything and I now understand that its purpose was to remind me of the incredibly important healing practice of self forgiveness and self love, which with enough practice, will become a lifestyle... oh, and I have love for the popsicle snatcher today, too! 😂
(Me, whole & healthy, with my number one supporter, best friend/parter, and trauma healer... oh, and love of my life... #gratitude❤️)
The God which is in me, you, and even that poo on your shoe. 😁
**Thank you so much for joining me on my healing journey of mind, body, & soul! Please like my Facebook page, Meg Happens, and subscribe to MegHappens.com to receive notifications of my latest blog posts. Keep your eyes peeled and ears open for my upcoming podcast on how simply ‘Noticing Your Five Senses’ can jump start any healing process! Also upcoming, the importance of the gut/brain connection and how stress is the number one cause of poor gut health and chronic inflammation, leading to mood disorders, foggy brain, and chronic illness. Most importantly, steps to take to get your gut, brain and health back! See you then! 🎉🙌🏼🙏🏼❤️