(To me & my little Megs)
I’m ‘low maintenance,’ I tell myself.
I’m ‘easy to please.’ ’I just don’t require a lot to be happy.. I don’t need lots of material things and I certainly don’t need lots of action.’
Are these statements true, or are they excuses to live small because it’s safer?
I’m at a point in my trauma and chronic illness healing journey, where life isn’t exceptionally hard anymore. It isn’t near impossible to get through each day and I no longer struggle just to hold my head above water.
Sure, I have minor setbacks and can still be triggered and the occasional health issue rears its fugly head now & again, but I’m fully functioning. I can feel passion again and get my creative juices flowing.
I sleep. I mean, I SLEEP! There was a time I thought I’d never sleep again. And here I am gettting an average of 6-8 hours nightly, with the rare rough nights.
There are times when I’m actually bored! I never thought it was a possibility because when I was sleep deprived, foggy and unwell, it took every ounce of strength and concentration just to drag myself through each day, ensuring my family is fed and cared for while remembering my many medications day and night.
Now, folks, I have almost nothing to remember and yet, my memory is sharper than ever. (Thank you, trauma healing!)
My daughter is back to school and she’s pretty independent, so I don't have the excuse of caring for her to avoid living up to my fullest potential outside of home.
The fact is, I have so much more to offer the world. I’ve learned so incredibly much throughout this intense healing journey, mentally and physically, and I want to find a way to share it far and wide so that my journey was not for nil. I even bought a book on how to give a killer Ted Talk. I really did. 🙊 Because I know in the back of my mind that I could rock that stage.
I also started writing a book, because I know deep down that someone out there can benefit from my story. We all have one to tell, so why not me?
The thing I’m noticing, though, is that I’m mostly talk (to myself) and not a lot of action.
“...fear of success...”
I used to assume it was a fear of failure, but then someone cleverly pointed out that it‘s more likely a fear of success.
Sounds crazy, but really, it’s not that far fetched.
My ego has believed since childhood that I’m not meant to live large or shine bright.
I was told I was stupid and slow and a whore.
You hear these things enough and you start to believe them. Deep down in your core and in your psyche, they niggle away until they’re programmed in there like a permanent tattoo.
So I have to now continue to notice these limiting thoughts and beliefs that my subconscious is still desperately clinging onto, and transform them one by one, just like I talked to my hundreds of billions of cells while trying to heal physically.
I have to keep rewiring this incredibly complex brain of mine to believe that I’m capable of anything and everything and more importantly that I deserve success and to feel empowered.
It doesn’t make me selfish or attention seeking. In fact, much the opposite, because the brighter I allow myself to shine, the more others feel safe to do the same and as a community of light workers we can help to guide others as we have been guided. 🙌🏼
That said, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to live a simple life as long as we feel happy and fulfilled; as long as the energy we are permeating into the universe is that of peace, joy and satisfaction instead of lack and need.
I have to admit: Although I’m beyond thankful that I’ve healed physically and very much emotionally and mentally, I don’t want to stop here.
I think it’s common for the former ‘underdog‘ to fear moving forward and to shake things up, but I intend to push through that limiting belief and come out the other side, fully allowing my unique light to shine brightly; to be the best version of me.
I was taught to be humble and modest and small. Not only that, but I was bullied into believing I’m worthless so that some sick fuc* could feel powerful himself. It’s amazing what one person can do to a child’s psyche and how it can lead to a lifetime of illness, addiction and living small. (Do check out the resources on my home page here on my blog site to watch a Ted Talk on the subject to learn more.)
It‘s time to take the next step towards fulfilling my true purpose and I know that means continuing to break down these egoic barriers and false beliefs that I‘m still allowing to limit me. It’s time to transform them to that of strength and willingness to see that I’m not the same person I was before: strong yet sick and struggling get through each day.
I am whole now, free, and capable of so much. I healed myself, with a lot of help. But I did that.
Surely, I can do anything. 💪🏼
❤️I needed this pep talk to myself (and anyone else who might need to hear it!) Thanks for reading!
We ARE strong and worth it and capable of anything & everything! ❤️
All my love. xo
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