Wowie, you guys. What a trip this trauma healing stuff is! 🤯
If I’m being totally honest, which I tend to be to a fault, the last several months have basically been one big blur!
The only upside to the dissociation that comes along with trauma (and healing), is survivors’ keen ability to forget the bad.
If you follow me on Meg Happens on social media and here, you know that the new year started with a miscarriage, the death of my father-in-law, blood family reaching out and causing a surprising surge in flashbacks, and me trying to regain my footing.
…”my body reverts instantly back to trauma mode..”
I have dozens of coping mechanisms and tools I’ve picked up along this tumultuous healing journey over the last two decades and particularly these last few years, and yet, when a series of stressors suddenly hits home, my body reverts instantly back to ‘trauma mode:’
Fight-or-flight, severe blood pressure spikes, insomnia, inability to cope and my inner children basically letting me know that they are very unhappy.
What I realize looking back is that I was once again ignoring the warning signs and I wasn’t communicating regularly with my little Megs to check in daily and see how they’re holding up.
You likely know by now that inner child healing has been one of the most important parts of this journey towards healing both physically and mentally.
For more on how I did it, read my early blog posts and check out the resources on my home page here on my site.
My littles have been trying to get my attention and I was choosing to ignore their pleas for help and warning signs.
Instead I was reverting back to less healthy coping strategies when my usuals weren’t doing the trick (yoga, nature, meditation, etc)…
Instead of journaling and talking to my inner children and seeking constant support from from friends and loved ones, I was choosing alcohol (mostly on weekends, but it’s a slippery slope) to cope. It goes along with the irrational guilt and shame that I’m not ‘all better’ by now.
Addiction goes along with trauma territory and I feel no shame about it. Speaking up and speaking out sans shame is what helps to take away its power and helps to stop the vicious cycle.
The thing is, when we are feeling triggered often due to stress or certain life events, it can be SO hard to think clearly and rationally when ‘in it.’ I often feel those same feelings from childhood such as unworthiness, shame, guilt, and feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.
“Many of us feel trapped in these emotions…”
Many of us feel trapped in these emotions and it’s so familiar from childhood that it is almost an addiction to those crazy chemicals, as wacky as it sounds. It is all we knew and our brains are wired for trauma.
As I’ve said many times, it is mostly subconscious and therefore we have to heal our subconscious beliefs and re-wire our brains to create healthier pathways.
So before I knew it, that cycle of stressor-flashback-insomnia-addiction was raging like a demented tornado once again, sucking me into the darkness and I was unable or maybe unwilling to see it.
I talk a lot about ’surrendering’ and asking for help, and I knew something had to change, because nothing I tried was working.
Sharing here is always healing, but I needed more, and I finally decided to trust a new therapist with my trauma after years going it alone.
I‘ve only had two visits so far, and although I did most of the talking and realizing, it was helpful to have an objective professional sitting across from me.
The first visit was incredibly triggering and I spent the nights and days after having uncontrollable hypertensive crises and flashbacks: basically my worst nightmare all over again.
Did it feel like absolute torture? Yep!
Did I regret ever going? Almost!
“…I have to feel it to heal it..”
A part of me deep down, however, remembered that I have to feel it to heal it and it isn’t always pretty, but I always come out of it eventually and stronger.
If there is a way to heal trauma 100% without some re-traumitization, I have yet to find it. These energies are trapped in every cell in our bodies and nervous systems and the only way out is through.
For me it feels like an exorcism, but I’ve written too much lately about the horrors of healing. This is meant to be much needed positive post.
Since my second therapist appointment, I’ve been talking to my littles daily, reminding them how sorry I am for what they went through, telling them how strong and brave and worthy they are. How they are no longer responsible for their little brother who they were fiercely protective of.
How I will never ever ever let anything bad happen to them ever again.
“Re-parenting ourselves is so important..”
Re-parenting ourselves is so important when recovering from childhood abuse and trauma.
We have to tune into our younger wounded selves and provide understanding, support, safety and unconditional love, just like we do for our own children.
I decided after a three day booze binge a while back in an attempt to escape the awful mental and physical symptoms, that enough is enough and it’s time to go cold turkey once again and plan on staying sober for a good long while, if not forever.
I asked the Divine for help once again, really feeling into my intentions so they’d know I mean it.
”I am ready to change. I am ready again to feel it to heal it. Thank you for helping to guide me to the resources I need and for giving me the strength to do this without having to rely on unhealthy addictions. I’ll do whatever it takes.”
I repeated this morning, noon and night, and shortly after, the signs and guidance and healing started rolling back in.
Usually when I cut out alcohol, I feel worse before better which can make it SO hard to stop. This time around, I promised that if I could be made comfortable while detoxifying my body, that it would be so motivating: to feel better while I‘m struggling so much already to tame the trauma reactions.
Lo and behold, it has honestly been a piece of cake this time around. I realize it’s because I’ve let so much up and out that had been festering for many months. It’s no wonder I felt so awful sober.
I don’t want to make it sound like I was drinking 24/7- definitely not, but one weekend day here and there easily turned to several days in one week and that was when I knew there was no more avoiding doing the work.
“There are no mistakes.”
Hindsight is a tricky bugger, but all we are doing on this earth is learning. There are no mistakes. I believe that.
I sit here now, sweating my bum off outside after a lovely nature walk with my husband this morning and a puppy & kitty snuggle sesh, feeling lighter and brighter and more hopeful than I have since last year. No joke.
There is always a solution. We just have to ask for it, be patient, and know it’s coming, A) when our egos get out of the way and let the guidance in, and/or B) when our higher power feels it’s time.
I won’t pretend that I think it’ll be smooth sailing from here on out, but I’m confident that I’m being guided and learning more all the time.
Sometimes we can only hang tight and breathe during the toughest times, while remembering to breathe in the peaceful times.
When we are feeling our best is the best time to sit in gratitude and say, ‘this is who I am.’
“I AM.” 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Life is a journey and at times it can feel unbearable just trying to catch our breath. But with patience and practice, we heal more all the time and are constantly being guided.
I tell you what: it’s a helluva lot easier to tune into said guidance while free of addictive substances.
There’s no shame in falling back into old patterns as long as we remain open to help and are honest with ourselves and others.
I wish you a healing day ahead. We’ve got this! 😅🙏🏼❤️🙌🏼
Click the link below to go to my resources page. Also, do check out my earliest blogs for how I used various healing techniques in order to heal myself. Today’s trick is to notice each of your five senses for one minute, adding up to 5 minutes total. By focusing on only one at a time and really noticing your internal state and external environment in the moment, it helps to ground us and is a form of mindfulness/meditation. I do it often in nature or anytime I need to ground myself. Practice daily and feel the shift! 💫
(3 year difference. I love a good reminder of how far I have come!)
**Thanks for reading! My hope is to help others to heal while I heal myself. We are in this together! Always feel free to spread the healing and share to social media or whomever might need to see it!
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