When we want something and I mean really want it, it can be disheartening to experience a setback.
“I felt a lot like a volcano about to erupt.”
In the past, before working hard to rewire my brain and my belief system and before healing a good portion of early childhood trauma, it was all too easy for me to throw in the towel. Pushing on felt so daunting with these awful negative energies festering below the surface; I felt a lot like a volcano about to erupt.
Enter booze or that extra anxiety pill or a three day food binge. Anything to avoid feeling and facing the truth. There was certainly no way to let my light shine or to carry on with any goal while wasting so much precious energy fighting so hard to forget.
Now I understand why I often turned to addictive behaviors to numb myself and avoid having to face the ugly truth. If only I had known the freedom that was waiting on the other side of The Ugly: the most beautiful world I have ever known. I just couldn’t see it beneath my many layers of suffering.
I wish I could say that it was easy; that all I had to do was to have faith and to ‘Think positive!‘ and to stay consistent. These things are important, but they come after dealing with the gritty stuff and facing the demons and releasing a lot of that pent up energy before transforming it for good.
I intend to blog and podcast about my trauma healing experience specifically because I know that it has been the missing link all these years trying to get healthy. I know how many others might be flailing to figure it out and to keep their heads above water while desperately grasping onto the wrong branch.
“Trauma can manifest quite physically...”
Yes, the physical symptoms are very real. Trauma can manifest quite physically and cause all sorts of disease and pains and make it much harder to fight off infections. On top of that, I now realize how I used my physical symptoms to further avoid the root cause which was severe childhood sexual abuse at the hands of someone who was supposed to be a father figure. Someone who was supposed to be ‘a hero’ for taking in my mother, brothers and I.
Instead, he used me and told me that I owed him for taking us all in.
I was virtually brainwashed from toddlerhood to feel unsafe in my own body and environment, feeling I had to protect my family, leading to a belief that I don’t matter and a constant state of fight-or-flight, dissociation, and virtually shutting down or at least blocking vital bodily systems over time. The mind is that powerful and will do whatever it takes to ‘protect‘ us and to help us not have to remember the stuff which we’ve so desperately been trying to bury.
This is why it doesn’t come so much as a surprise that the flashbacks and dissociation still sneak up on me once in a while.
It can happen when I least expect it: being overtired is a big trigger and I had a couple nights of subpar sleep last week before deciding to send a family member an emotional ‘good bye’ text. Then on my birthday, driving to my hair appointment, it all came to a head and once again it felt like everything was triggering me. The pine trees, certain vehicles, my own body.
Suddenly I was spacing out and my heart was racing, hands clutching the steering wheel.
I shook it off and forgot just as quickly.. kind of my specialty! 🤣... Until a bit into my appointment while sitting in the chair. I’m unsure what’s the chicken versus the egg, but my heart once again began to pound and my breathing became shallow and I was queasy and unable to focus or to speak. I could feel the old familiar blood pressure spike which had sent me to the hospital so many times before I realized there is nothing they can do to help lower it there.
“The mind is that powerful and can have that much control over our bodies.“
The mind is that powerful and can have that much control over our bodies.
Then the twitching and jerking started. It was very mild compared to many months ago, but came as a surprise while sitting comfortably in a chair at my friend and hair stylist, Doug’s, salon.
I could have and maybe should have felt embarrassed or completely defeated and it started to lean that way until I realized that I had been triggered several times over the week and this is all just a part of healing. Fighting ‘what is’ has gotten me nowhere time and time again.
It was time to love myself more than ever; to radically forgive myself for any ‘weakness’ and understand that it’s all a part of healing.
Gosh, the energy we waste by fighting ‘what Is’...
“I used to think I was weak if I cried or had a flashback...”
I used to think I was weak if I cried or had a flashback. Now, I understand that it takes great strength to face it and work through it.
After my hair appointment, I did have a tricky rest of my birthday trying to recover and lacking sleep, but I knew that I would be just fine and that tomorrow would be brighter, and it didn’t disappoint.
Since that day less than a week ago, I’ve had a couple restless nights, a couple rough episodes while trying to drive far distances, a horrendous gallbladder attack (which often comes while I eat, no matter what I eat, while my body is stressed out), and am now fighting off a sore throat.
But you know what? I am so okay. I am more than okay. I am making such good progress and I take it day by day.
I still managed to take my daughter on a fun road trip and because I didn’t feel up to driving home that night, we grabbed a hotel room and ended up having an awesome mommy/daughter adventure: laughing, being silly, and having quality time uninterrupted by normal life distractions at home.
My body didn’t freak out when we got a little lost in the city and when I felt myself getting stressed out, I was able to bring it back into perspective: my kid is only ten once and this was the only time we’d ever get lost in the city just the two of us. We saw interesting people and made memories we’ll never forget.
(Caleigh, ten, donning her new ‘Dog Mom’ tee-shirt after a rare Target & Walmart summer shopping spree 🐾❤️🐾)
In a couple more days, my little family and I are headed south to meet up with a good childhood friend and then off to explore Assateague Island with the wild horses before hitting another beach. This is something that I could not have done before without so much stress and a massive setback. Lack of sleep would have kept me exhausted and foggy and unable to fully focus and enjoy. I would have been just trying to make it through to ensure my daughter and husband had fun and it would take me weeks to recover.
Now, not only can I plan and commit to a vacation, but fully enjoy it. I can even sleep away from home for more than a two hour stretch!
“I can’t begin to fully describe the freedom that comes with knowing I am okay no matter what.”
I can’t begin to fully describe the freedom that comes with this and the peace that comes with knowing I am okay no matter what. My body needed me to know it. Now that we are on the same page, we work together effortlessly to heal what yet needs healing.
It is a journey and it has its obstacles, but as Gabby Bernstein says, “Obstacles are just detours in the right direction.”
I believe that everything is a lesson and by shifting to this way of thinking, I’m learning the beautiful truth about me; about us all. We are complex, magnificent beings with ‘flaws.’ We make mistakes, we feel guilty and we have our bad days.
We were blessed with the ability to feel as spirits on human adventures and although some of these feelings are scary, so many more are beautiful and divine and peaceful. We just have to heal what no longer serves and then open up our hearts. 🙏🏼
With the ‘bad’ comes the good and makes all the good that much more heavenly. It’s neat, too, how when we focus on the good and what we want instead of what we don’t want, the miracles that occur. 💫
So take heart in knowing that whatever your struggle, you will get through and although healing is often not linear, truly, progress is perfection.
🙏🏼❤️🙏🏼
(Thanks to Four Girls for our amazing ‘unstoppable’ tees! 🙌🏼🌟❤️🙏🏼)
https://www.fourgirlsonamission.com
**Thank you for reading and do like my Facebook page Meg Happens and subscribe to MegHappens.com to receive notifications of new posts. Happy Healing! You’ve so got this! 🙌🏼🌟