During the worst of my illness and disocciation over the years, when I was struggling to breathe, suffocated by the thick, sleep deprived fog that enveloped me and the seemingly endless physical and emotional pain became almost too much to bear, I grappled with a will to go on.
My brain would ‘lie to me,’ telling me that my husband would be better off without me and if I just let myself drift away now, my daughter, while still young, would recover and hopefully find a new, whole and healthy mom she deserves once her Dad remarried.
As hard as I fought to keep my head above water, the blackness would win out, until I grabbed a few hours of sleep and once again scrambled to pull myself up to the surface again for a short time.
This worked for a while, until it didn’t.
Upon waking up in the ICU with a tube down my throat to find out that The Blackness had almost won, everything shifted.
“The burning that flooded through me sparked a flame of desire within my soul; the desire to fight my way back to my daughter.”
When my husband told me that miraculously he had heard me go down that night, and therefor got to me in the nick of time to be taken to the hospital and life flighted, I knew that for at least the second time in my life, divine intervention had stepped in and saved me... I knew then that I had to help myself in order to come back to my daughter. She was My Why, and as I lay there, gritting my teeth as they attempted again to administer the burning intravenous potassium to raise my dangerously low levels, something shifted. The burning that flooded through me sparked a flame of desire within my soul; the desire to fight my way back to my daughter.
I knew I couldn’t do that without getting the help I needed and healing myself first. I didn’t know how, but I knew I would do it.
Over the following months, my husband and I made three separate trips to a biological medical center in Kansas, where I received quality alternative care, addressing mind, body, and spirit.
Although we learned a lot of valuable tools on these ventures, my heart told me that there was a key piece of the puzzle missing, and my foggy brain was not improving. My blood pressure and pulse were extremely erratic, labs still looking wonky, I couldn't ingest solid food without my belly extending to look and feel six months pregnant, and I wasn’t absorbing nutrients properly.
“Hope and gratitude inched me forward, as did the prayers and support of loved ones. But mainly, my desire to be the present and whole mom my sweet daughter so deserves.”
Hope and gratitude inched me forward, as did the prayers and support of loved ones. But mainly, my desire to be the present and whole mom my sweet daughter so deserves.
By night I would drag my skeletal form back up to practice gentle yoga and meditate in hopes to soothe myself into a fitful sleep. Sleep deprivation was by far my most frustrating symptom, exacerbating every ailment.
My Why stayed with family, blissfully unaware of the severity of our situation. Somehow we managed to shield her from the worst of the effects of my ill health over the years, but this was becoming more challenging by the day.
It is all such a blur now, but what is crystal clear is that my sense of purpose resided completely in her. I knew my husband would be okay in the end if he lost me, but my girl needed Mommy to make sure she got that daily love note tucked into her lunchbox and her boo boos kissed with a healing magic only this momma can provide.
I couldn’t have cared less about myself and my suffering was unbearable, but I realized not nearly as unbearable as what My Why would have to endure if I slipped away.
I thank God on the daily for intervening that fateful night that I almost let The Blackness consume me and I now know that my fate has always been to heal so that I can be here for My Why.
She is my reason. The really neat thing is that I as continue on my healing journey, I want to live for me, too, and for my wounded inner children who reside in me still.
I have so much left to do while I inhabit this body and I am beginning to do it with more and more clarity in a body that feels good and a freedom I’d never known before.
And I get to do it with My Why by my side. 🙏🏼
For those of you reading and feeling lost, hopeless or confused, I need for you to know that whatever Your Why, You are worth it, You are loved and You are Enough.
Grab ahold of Your Why, whatever form it takes, and let it help lead you to healing.
The first step is wanting it. Do it for Your Why and soon you will want it for You, too.
A freedom beyond your wildest dreams is waiting for you.
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Below are some resources which helped me greatly during the first and most crucial step in my true healing process. Be sure to read my first post ever, Book One: Healing Begins, followed by my Inner Child post explaining how I broke through inititally so that true healing could begin.
An eye opening TED talk on the physical effects of childhood trauma over a lifetime:
Helpful Inner Child articles:
Online Inner Child course which was very helpful during my process:
Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child (one of John Bradshaw’s books)
One of a series of videos of Bradshaw discussing healing toxic shame:
A video on Introduction to Somatic Experiencing- highly recommend as a starting place
Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma (Dr Peter Levine’s books are amazing and this was a game changer for me):
On Complex PTSD:
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma https://www.amazon.com/dp/1492871842/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_oN.LCbZCB9K35