If you follow me on social media, you likely know that I’ve chosen to let go of the last tie to my blood family- my younger brother.
This post isn’t to demonize anyone but instead to help me to further heal and to explain again why letting go of what no longer serves us is the most healing. Even if it is blood.
I‘m a spirit having a human adventure like everyone else, and my humanness has been showing a lot lately as I have dealt with triggering emotions tied to my brother potentially visiting and me finally setting fair boundaries and trying to make him understand this.
I’m talking a fast spiral into confused depression and sleepless nights full of flashbacks. All because of a possible visit from my brother who I haven’t seen in 8 years.
Gently explaining to him my ‘rules’ for his time here didn’t go over well and he chose to ignore me for a week before finally then reaching out, ready to make a visit happen.
Needless to say, after the few weeks I’d just had trying to process the idea and waiting for any kind of plan from him so I could mentally prepare myself to be fully triggered upon his arrival, I had reached a point of no return and decidedly didn’t want him to come anymore.
My intention isn’t to shed light on his personal issues here- this is about me- so I’m not going to share about his personal history since our childhood. I can’t promise I won’t end up speaking of other family though.
What I will say is this: I tried to speak my truth gently many times: that I walked away from the rest of the family in order to heal myself physically and emotionally; to heal my heart.
I went to college at 18, worked several jobs over those years while interning and graduating 4 years later.
I met my now husband early in college and we were officially together when I was 20. He stuck by me through thick and thin as you know, and I worked my butt off to stay afloat, working whatever jobs I could to contribute to our household income even while I was sick and floundering.
It was incredibly difficult to function normally with intense stress reactions which stemmed from the early childhood trauma. My sleep was poor, my body hurt and my brain was cloudy.
Over the next many years, I became very unwell and my blood pressure sky rocketed, and with it came incredible rages, headaches and tachycardia.
We were sent from medical facility to medical facility in search of answers and treatments.
What I didn’t know at the time, was that it was unhealed trauma making and keeping me in this perpetual state of stress and therefore ill health.
I can remember thinking- especially once my endocrine system completely crashed- that I would rather be anyone else at all. I’d rather live in a box on the street if it meant having my health. And I sure meant it.
Because when we have our health, relatively, we can climb our way up out of pretty much any hell hole.
When we are seriously unwell and our brains are barely functioning due to tapped out adrenal glands and a barely functioning thyroid gland, tying our own shoes becomes difficult, much less living a full life.
Here comes my ego strong again, but that’s okay, because as much as I preach about being love and light at our cores, we are still on earth with humans and our egos keep us alive and standing up for ourselves when warranted.
So to my blood family who decided many moons ago that because I’m an attractive female and therefore ‘had the world handed to me,‘ I say this, again, since you didn’t hear it the first hundred times:
I am truly sorry that you made poor choices in life and are apparently unhappy enough to STILL be talking about me behind my back and how I’ve been ‘handed everything and have had it so easy.‘
To my older brother(s) who I know stalk my blogs & social media from the shadows:
I worked my ASS off to heal myself. I raised my daughter who was a toddler when I was mentally at my worst and it took all I had to drag myself through each day and keep us both alive while my husband worked.
I planned play dates, took her to the doctor for her many viruses, crafted with her, and taught her by day, while spending my sleepless, foggy nights trying to research how to heal MYSELF because no one else could do it. I knew it was up to me.
My hair was falling out and my body was slowly falling apart. Yet I did it.
Once I realized what testing I needed, I asked to have it run and surely enough, I figured out my unique thyroid issue and my open minded doctor was willing to prescribe the med I asked for and needed. Getting that dosing right was a nightmare, but I did it before managing to naturally heal some things later on.
I won’t get too into all the other people I was trying to help heal with their own medical issues, but I did: I tried to help others through all the knowledge I’d gained while trying to help myself.
Jumping ahead, I was being triggered left and right by reminders of the trauma- trauma so bad that it affected every aspect of my being. So severe that I refused to let it fully come up.
Trauma that all of you down there reminded me of each and every time I saw you, heard from you or thought of you. My blood pressure would spike to dangerous levels in an instant, full on hypertensive crises that should have killed me, but only damaged my vision as a long term effect.
It probably doesn’t help that you still work with the man who abused me and who told me he would kill you all if I didn’t do what he asked.
He told me from toddlerhood that I’m nothing and that I owed him for taking all of you in.
“You owe me, you little bitch.”
Cocaine inspired? Probably, but not a good excuse if you ask me.
So while you’re all sitting down there being overpaid for your work for The Monster who you seem content to keep in your lives regardless of the torment he brought upon us all, I’ve been up here fighting to regain my life.
I’ve been healing my heart, largely affected by the way you all treated me as a child.
It’s no wonder, because you learned from the best of them- the one who brainwashed you against me by buying me shit I never asked for and later conning you into working under him.
I‘m unsure if you still work for him, actually, but last I’d heard, you do.
So I’ll say this: I’m proud of the choices I’ve made in life regardless of the battles I had to face just to stay alive and not only have I done that, but I’ve thrived and am now able to help others to heal.
I used alcohol to function on far too many occasions and I‘m not ashamed to admit it, because admitting we have a problem is the first step towards recovery. I’m proud to be the one person I know of in our family who is really trying.
It is still a constant struggle when I’m ‘triggered.’ I still have the same flashbacks on repeat for endless days and nights when unexpected stress occurs or family reaches out or I go to the doctor and have to be touched in any way. My own husband still triggers me.
I‘m pretty darn sure that being called ’a little whore’ by you didn’t help my confidence as a young girl growing up in a toxic household.
Honestly, my angry ego could rage on for hours- weeks even. But I’ve said enough for now.
In conclusion, I’m very proud of how far I’ve come and of my journey to better health.
I hope you can learn to respect my decision to step away from what was making me sick in the first place, whether you decide to own up and heal yourselves of addiction and toxicity, or not. That choice is yours.
I haven’t even mentioned you since my very first blog post over two years ago because my intention isn’t to shed light on anyone but myself. Yet when you are reading and judging my stuff (according to our younger brother), then I feel that gives me every right to stand up for my (amazing, resilient, strong, kick ass) Self.
I honestly don’t know what to believe when it comes to family anymore; the lies and omissions are so prevalent.
My hope is to finally find true freedom from you all so that I can continue to heal and thrive.
I truly do want the best for you and I want you to find peace. Just please, do it with my name out of your mouth.
To those of you claiming I’m selfish for not helping you to heal, firstly, your own healing is your own responsibility. I did send two of you many books that helped my own process. A third of you was offered a trip to a healing retreat, paid for with my husband‘s hard earned money.
I’m assuming that since you have read some of my blog posts here that you've seen the many resources listed here, too. Go to my home page and click on ‘Need help now?’ to find them. It’s a great place to start.
You have to want it, stop making excuses, and get off your asses and do the HARD but worthwhile work, whatever it looks like for you.
Again, I prefer having reason to speak proudly & positively of everyone, but you bet your left nut I will defend myself and my hard work when needed.
Good luck on your own journeys. ✌🏼
**To my loyal readers, thanks as always for your support. It means the world. Remember it’s okay to let go of what is hindering your process. It saved my life....Happy healing! **