It’s Okay to Feel Uneasy Right Now
These are interesting times we’re living in, (says Cap’n Obvious). The novelty of this virus which seems to be affecting every crevice of our world, with few exceptions, is alarming.
I guess it’s bringing out a lot of emotions in all of us. Some of us seem to be looking for the silver linings and some seem to be getting caught up in the mass hysteria.
I like to think I’m one of the ‘positive thinkers,’ but my mood has been a wee bit iffy the last few days and I‘m starting to realize that even me: Trauma Warrior, Survivor of Evil Doing lol, is feeling a bit lost and out of control. Raging PMS doesn’t help! 🤷♀️😂
It almost feels shameful to admit this when I try to believe I almost always have my shit together these days.
Well, it‘s dawning on me now that many of us, especially those of us with trauma in our backgrounds, are hanging on by a thread, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
We don’t do well with the unknown. We need a sense of control, and if we can’t find it, we’ll go to interesting lengths to create the illusion of it, including caving to our addictions.
I was doing pretty well until one of my bigger triggers revealed itself yesterday morning, and that was waking up ill and coughing. Sickness and pain have always been especially triggering for me because they remind me of loss of control over my own body.
“I’ve found myself grappling to control the most minute details..”
And so I‘ve found myself grappling to control the most minute details rather than ‘letting go and letting God’ as I usually would. I know now it’s simply because I feel so out of control of my world at the moment, and my subconscious doesn’t like that very much!
I even went so far as to upset an old acquaintance yesterday, via Facebook of all places.
She’s a great, fun loving person for the most part, and normally I’d brush off my distaste at the content and certainly not bother commenting to let her know my thoughts on her post, because A) it’s not worth the fight and B) I have better things to do... C)? I’m not the type to intentionally hurt someone’s feelings. Yet that’s exactly what I did.
This baffles me. It’s almost like I don’t recognize myself at times lately and I truly believe it’s my subconscious fear of loss of control flailing just beneath the surface.
This time last week, I was beyond fine, and even able to look for the good in all of this, because there is so so much good!
People putting aside their differences to unite as a team in the understanding that we are all in the same boat right now, and we might as well love one another, even if from afar... or via social media!
I have to wonder how many others like me there are out there, grappling with these uneasy feelings of being an alien in their own mind and body. It’s icky and I don't like it! But I understand where it’s coming from and I forgive myself for feeling out of control.
All I can do is catch these unhelpful thoughts as they arise, recognize them, and set them free in order to replace them with slightly more helpful ones.
I am willing to acknowledge and accept that right now I’m not 100% on my game, and I can forgive myself for that as well.
”Go gentle on yourselves.”
Go gentle on yourselves, and know that it’s okay to feel icky and angry and maybe even a little childish at times.
We are often acting from our inner children anyway... it makes sense that we feel like a bunch of five year olds in grown up bodies lots of the time.
I’ve gotten out of the practice of talking to my own inner child, but this is a reminder to me to resume doing so. She feels uneasy and needs me to be the grown up. I can do that!
I think I’ll ask her along on a walk today and remind her she’s safe to feel and to play and be happy. I can handle the scary stuff, but she needs to know that she is safe and okay no matter what.
We all are.
While amidst the worst of my childhood trauma healing, I would visualize holding my Little’s cute, fuzzy footie pajama clad self in my lap, her head on my chest, and I’d rock her and soothe her as I did my own daughter when she was little. This works like a charm- don’t knock it till you try it! 😘
Find a creative outlet and write it out, paint it out, sing it out, or talk it out.
Don‘t feel ashamed to feel a little anxious and just know that you’re going to be okay. Try to take it moment by moment and breathe into your fear. Meditate on it, and stay open.
I’m thinking now is the perfect time for me to avoid the unnecessarily triggering content online and have a nice break from technology! Who’s with me? A 24 hour detox! 🙌🏼
A change of scene is often helpful and although we can’t exactly hop a bus to New York City, we can try to get out in the fresh air and remember we are spirits having very human adventures.
There is a plan for us and we’re all a little scared at times and it’s all okay! I’m saying this for me as much as anyone else. 😆
Thanks for listening and I hope you find peace and joy today. I feel better already! 😘❤️❤️❤️
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