Now feels like a good time to write about something that is bothering me while it’s fresh in my mind.
I went to my husband’s annual client event last night and I was admittedly relieved and excited to be attending whole and healthy, with no reservations whatsoever about how I might feel or brain fog or how I could ‘just get through it.’
Not only am I sleeping now and my brain generally clear as a bell, but my body has calmed and my confidence grown.
I imagined getting all fancy and chatting it up and
feeling carefree to be me. Something I’ve almost never felt free to be in most groups of people.
Now I’m wondering if this is quite common or is it just me?
At last year’s event, I barely made it there and floated around like a ghost, rail thin and in fight-or-flight day and night. I can remember two friendly older women commenting on my size and how envious they are. I remember thinking, “I’m like 80 pounds. Wow, I must’ve been big before I lost all this weight!”
“I had to hide in the bathroom several times...”
The thing about then is that I simply didn’t have the energy leftover to analyze every little comment or glance; I was struggling to survive each moment. I had to hide in the bathroom several times to avoid full on trauma flashbacks amongst the group of rowdy clients enjoying their care-free evening of deserved fun.
Last year’s flashbacks started shortly after I got myself home that night. Scott was still at his event, schmoozing with clients as part of the gig, naturally, and I was on my own to battle the shadows and demons lurking around every corner of my room and my mind.
I ended up being in total flashback for hours after forcing myself to attend the triggering event. Thing is, everything outside of under my covers was triggering then and actually, so was my own body. There was no escape.
I was living a version of hell on earth almost as soul destroying as when I originally experienced the abuse. I know now that it’s something I had to face and allow so that I could finally allow these energies up and out of me, not unlike an exorcism.
Fast forward almost exactly one year.
I hardly thought twice about my health or how I would handle a large group of people as we sauntered into the beautifully decorated ’country chic’ (as my friend, Dana, would put it 😘) Beaumont Inn last night.
There is still always this niggling feeling of unease when I’m in large groups of people. I’m unsure if it’s the overwhelm of all the noise or what, but I guess it’s pretty normal, especially for an introvert. It’s not that I’m shy or a snob or dislike people, I just prefer intimate meaningful conversations and I struggle to remain interested in gossipy small talk. I don’t see it as a flaw anymore than someone would see their small talk as a flaw: it’s just the way it is. 🤷♀️
Also, we live in a society that is so caught up in looks and like probably every other living being, I’ve experienced quite a bit of discrimination based on my appearance. It almost feels silly to admit that when I don’t have it nearly as ‘bad’ as some categories of people.
“It would be great if we could all just be human beings...”
It would be great if we could all just be human beings instead of black, white, pretty, ugly, fat, thin, short or tall. But that’s not reality and that has to be okay... or does it?
You can probably guess by now that I’m alluding to having experienced a bit of this normal societal stereotyping last night.
Instead of a simple, “You look great!” or “you look so healthy and happy!“ I got quite a few comments about my 40 pound weight gain since last year. Some were innocent, others clearly not, even if their unnecessary remarks were mostly subconscious. I also got the typical “I see now why your husband got with you“ comments, which maybe are supposed to be flattering, but so are not! There’s more to me than my incredibly gorgeous tatas. 🤷♀️🤣🙌🏼
(Thank you Katherine for the awesomely accurate quote! ❤️)
“I really had assumed that because of everything I’ve been through, everything would just roll off my back...”
This is where it gets interesting because I really had assumed that because of everything I‘ve been through and come out the other end still vulnerable but stronger than ever, everything would just roll right off my back. I guess I assumed I’d feel invincible or immune to ignorant or innocent comments, both being equally hurtful sometimes.
I’m shocked and blown away by how much one comment affected me and then tiny insinuations about my weight from others wiggled their way into my psyche and left me feeling all kinds of icky.
Honestly, I think it’s less about what was said and more about the total disregard for my feelings and the fact that I have spent the last year climbing Mt. Impossible, only to reach the top with my dignity and my make-up still intact 😂. In other words, I’m kicking all the ass. 💥
Yes, comments about someone’s appearance and weight, in excess (pun not intended), are a bit rude, but what is this really about?
It’s about Me... Damn you, Choose Again healing retreat! You got your claws in me and your message isn’t letting go. It is in fact, always about me.
I am still reacting to others based on the belief system I created while young based on negative life experiences, like we all do.
“... a spirit on a very human adventure..”
I do believe that I have ‘awakened’ quite a bit to the truth of who I Am and that is a spirit on a very human adventure. A spirit with a message of peace and of love to share.
The thing is, is that I’m still human and I still walk among other equally flawed and often fear-based humans whose actions match their beliefs, whether subconscious or not.
Maybe I need to hop down off the high horse I hadn’t even realized I was on and accept that I’m the only one I can change and indeed, there’s a lot of important work still to be done on me.
I must say say that I so appreciate the way some women jump to one another’s defense like many did when I posted my weight gain woes on my personal Facebook page last night and this morning.
That is what I want to dwell on: the goodness of people and the uniting of feminine spirits with similar goals of self acceptance and living joyfully, regardless of what other people think.
(Scott with his duck face pose and me trying to look sultry, but seeming constipated instead. 🤦🏼♀️😂)
I’m just going to say it:
I love me. I love my curves. My husband loves my curves. I’ve put on about ten more pounds than I need to be an ideal healthy weight, but that’s okay with me. If I didn’t love food so much and I cared a little more about fitting into a size 2, maybe I’d push myself to lose the extra weight.
Know what? FUCK that, because that would be what other people expect of me.
I’ve changed and grown so much over these many healing months and years and I can honestly say to myself and others that my body dysmorphia is no longer. I’ve healed that, too.
So clearly it’s everyone else who’s the problem.
Just kidding. 😬
Boy, did I need that vent. I wish I could say it ‘feels good that something so silly is my biggest problem at the moment’ like I often do, but that would be a lie. This felt surprisingly awful and triggered so many of my false beliefs, mainly that people are ignorant and shallow. 😳 It feels awful to admit that that is a tightly held belief of mine, but it appears that it is and I’m so ready and willing to do the work on myself to banish these harmful beliefs.
I choose to believe these days that every opportunity offers healing, even and especially the painful ones.
I also choose to continue practicing self forgiveness and in this case, accept that I was triggered last night and that something very innocent turned very dark in my mind. It just proves that I have to do the work and learn from it so I can focus on loving life some more. We are only here in these bodies for a short time, after all, and I want to love every inch of mine. 😘
Thank you again, Katherine, for this and for being an awesome human. Thank you to Bobbi Jo for making me giggle last night and thank you to everyone who feels it in their hearts to build one another up.
Thank you, still, to those who trigger my false beliefs and force me to face my remaining demons so that I can heal them, as unpleasant as it sometimes is.
As always, it’s so healing to be so open about my own journey and I hope if you can relate, you can find your own healing in mine.
There is no shame is owning up to our insecurities so that we can heal them and set them free.
Happy Weekend and Happy Healing! 🙏🏼❤🙌🏼
(You know who you are 😘🙌🏼❤️)
**Thank you for reading and be sure to like Meg Happens on Facebook and subscribe to MegHappens.com to receive notifications of new posts and podcasts! Happy Healing! 🙌🏼
Here is a book link to a program my husband and I found to be very helpful on our journeys to freedom.
Choose Again: Six Steps to Freedom https://www.amazon.com/dp/173218500X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_uvbwDbEF56Y12