I’ve been grappling with the idea of forgiveness for quite some time, understanding that it is for me, not them. Letting go of toxic relationships was the easy part; forgiveness is a whole other story.
“It’s not easy to let go of what we’ve so tightly clung to for so many years, and our egos fear their own death and will do whatever it takes to avoid it.”
As with most things, rage and resentment remain for the ego, in order to hang onto that last bit of control. It’s not easy to let go of what we've so tightly clung to for so many years, and our egos fear their own death and will do whatever it takes to avoid it.
For myself, this includes overthinking the past and letting anger consume me, sometimes for hours on end. This was understandable and even necessary while finally uprooting and facing the trauma of the past after avoiding and ignoring for decades.
I actually became homicidal for a short time while in some form of flashback for weeks or months last summer into the fall. I would be so filled with wired-and-tired rage and was hovering between the present and past, dissociating much of the time.
I’d often zone out and ‘awaken’ with little recollection of events. One time I was holding a knife in my hand, reenacting some of the trauma. Fortunately, my husband and I were able to shield our daughter from the worst of it, though it was not easy.
I believe that the reason I am having so much trouble with the concept of forgiveness is because of the trauma and all forms of abuse I endured. That includes emotional neglect from those who were supposed to help protect and nurture me, and the way they have impacted my ability to be the mother I want to be. I have done my very best and I know my daughter would say I’ve been a good mother regardless of my limitations, but I know I wasn’t able to be fully present for her. I have even spent weeks and months out of commission, simply struggling to keep us both alive and healthy with a lot of help from my supportive husband.
“The amount of energy it takes to keep hurts shoved down is all-consuming.”
My physical health was very much affected and I was battling daily just to get through; little energy was left over for fun. The amount of energy it takes to keep hurts shoved down is all-consuming.
Fast-forward to now and although I have finally faced and healed a lot of trauma and false beliefs which has helped with physical healing, I’m left with a niggling unease and this red hot anger bubbling below the surface, like lava in a volcano.
Just when I feel I’ve gotten a handle on things and remembered once again that my mother, for example, ‘didn’t know any better’ and ‘has her reasons for doing what she did and what she failed to do,’ suddenly I erupt all over again and feel stuck in my ego’s ‘how dare they’ way of thinking.
Suddenly I’m back to victim mentality and thinking how if only I’d been protected, how differently things would’ve turned out. What would I be like had I not been so sexually shut-down because of abuse? What if I’d had the support and energy and confidence to pursue my talents early on? Where would I be now?
“Then I remember that what I’ve been through is what has made me who I am today..”
Then I remember that what I’ve been through is what has made me who I am today. It is why I am so strong with this unshakable faith and an understanding about life on earth that not everyone is so fortunate to have so early on in life, if ever.
(I love this photo of my daughter, Caleigh, and I when she was tiny and I was in between bouts of illness 💓)
It is only with certain life lessons and experiences that one can finally let go of materialism and anything that isn’t real and instead focus on what really matters. For me, that is health and happiness for myself and my loved ones. It is sharing what I have learned and helping others along on their journeys. It is to share my message that we can be okay no matter what and that by healing our past traumas, we free up so much more room for physical healing and really living in the Here & Now.
So, do I need to forgive others who so wronged me when I was too young to even understand the profound effects their sometimes evil and often selfish actions would have on me later in life? Is it in fact necessary to not only let go of these toxic relationships but to find forgiveness in my heart? Forgiveness of people who aren’t even apologizing?
Based on recent experience with ongoing flashbacks and the sometimes very sudden return of these all-consuming ghostly energies of the past rearing their fugly heads when I least expect it... I’d say that, yes, forgiveness or at least letting go of resentment will be very healing. Is it necessary for survival? I don’t think so, but I do feel it is getting in the way of really living.
“I forgave myself for any and all wrongdoing many months ago and somehow that was far easier than forgiving others for theirs.”
I forgave myself for any and all wrongdoing many months ago and somehow that was far easier than forgiving others for theirs.
So as I sit here pondering once again the idea that forgiveness might be helpful to healing, I remind myself that I am a work in progress and that in their own time these issues will be dealt with.
It really is like peeling back the layers of an onion and between dealing with the last of my addictions and dabbling in the idea of forgiveness, I’m getting close to the core now. So close to undoing all the things which added up to a very tainted false ego.. so close to a clean slate from which to then rebuild who I’m meant to be. And we all know that we are all Love at our very core. ❤️
... I believe that the future is so bright, we’re gonna need sunglasses. See you there! 😎🌟😘
**Thank you for joining me on my journey and be sure to like my Facebook page Meg Happens and subscribe to MegHappens.com to receive notifications of new posts. As always, feel free to share my posts and my message if it touches something within you. My goal is to reach as many as possible who might find healing in it.
Happy Summer & Happy Healing! 🙌🏼🙏🏼❤️
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