It has been awhile for those of you who don’t follow Meg Happens on Facebook! I decided to post this from there, though. In case it’s worth it to someone. I Intend to resume my regular blogging soon enough, too!:
You’ve probably noticed that I find something cathartic in expressing myself through writing & imagery. This is no different:
I don’t trust myself to make a video, so writing it out will have to do. I write for me and for anyone else who might need to hear it.
I always feel that divinity is flowing through my fingertips as I type. I do believe we’re all vessels.
I’m learning yet again that healing isn’t linear.
That right when we think we are past the worst of it, something can happen to knock us sideways.
Oftentimes we can’t even pinpoint what it was; we just know that suddenly we’re losing air and spiraling down the rabbit hole of self destruction and/or confusion.
For me, it can start as insomnia and then songs are playing in my head. Suddenly I’m counting tiles on the ceiling while repeating some random phrase over & over, and then my body takes over, twitching & jerking. Anything to shut out the offending thoughts & bodily sensations trying to resurface.
Regardless of my efforts, my chest tightens, blood pressure rises & flashes of my abusers words & faces surface, and I’m crawling out of my skin.
Still, I shove it down. Until I can’t, and then I feel as though I’m exploding as the dam bursts and so much pressure is finally released.
I drag myself out of bed after a long night of trying to forget, and another day begins.
What I’m learning once again is that as out of control and vulnerable and frustrated as I feel, it’s all okay. It has to be.
Trauma happens. Abuse happens. People who are supposed to love & care for us let us down royally.
We can give up & give in to the self pity and addiction and ‘what’s the point.’
Or we can accept it for what it is: part of our journeys as spirits on human adventures.
I guess it’s what we make of it.
By the way, I’m not saying that self pity is wrong. It might even be necessary, as long as we let ourselves acknowledge it & then use it towards further healing. For ourselves & for others.
I still battle addiction and I realize it too is part of the process. Addiction and trauma/PTSD go hand in hand more often than not.
The key, I believe, is to own up to it while remembering that it’s a normal & natural side effect of trauma. We use it for self preservation and the good news is that we can learn other ways.
The first step is always to face our pasts and whatever might be holding us back in the present.
I don’t always feel inclined to share the darker sides of my healing journey these days, mostly due to the fear that I’ll be labeled or seen as weak.
Why aren’t I all the way better yet?
I know in my heart that it’s because years of trauma, followed by decades of keeping it at bay in our bodies doesn’t heal overnight.. or even in 2 years.
The journey is long and so worth it.
And there is no shame.
I love you guys & truly appreciate your listening and loving me as I am. I know so many of you can relate to my journey, and that’s why I have this page and my blog site.
Trauma Happens. Life Happens. Meg Happens.
Thanks for loving me as I am and for sharing your own truths & words of wisdom.
We are stronger together. 🙌🏼
Tomorrow is a new day & today is okay exactly as it is, even when it doesn’t feel that way.
Love always, xoxo 🥰
**Don’t forget to like & follow Meg Happens on Facebook in order to see all of my content. Happy healing!**