An Open Book
Updated: Dec 25, 2020
I don’t usually do this- go against my instincts and share too much too soon.
Sure, I’m mostly an open book these days because why not? We are all spirits having various human adventures and we have all experienced similar pains, joys & hardships throughout our lifetimes.
I like to think that sharing all of me is as helpful to some readers as others doing the same has been for me over the tumultuous years of my intense healing journey.
All I know for sure is that writing it out is always always healing for me. And more often than not, someone else can benefit from even my most untoward thoughts & emotions.I trust that those meant to are led to my page as needed, just as I am led to others.
We are all in this life thing together! 🙌🏼
So, many months after starting to seriously consider adoption, I’m in my seventh week of pregnancy (surprise!) and feeling the usual whirlwind of excited and anxious emotions. We were really hoping this one would stick and have only told a handful of my closest friends who I know support me unconditionally.. and one or two I regret telling, but that’s for a different day.
The thing about ‘regrets,’ though, is that I actually don’t really have them anymore. Stuff happens and things slip out, but this always leads to lessons. And there’s no going back, so why have regrets and not just find the silver lining in our ‘mistakes?’ Things were looking great until my third HCG level test, which resulted in sub-par levels. They are still rising but not doubling like we’d hope to see and this sometimes means a miscarriage is impending and/or the pregnancy isn’t viable for any number of reasons.
As hopeful as I was, and as much as I still pray for a miracle, I’m well aware that this could be another no-go, and unfortunately I won’t know anything for certain until my first ultrasound this coming Monday.
What I’m noticing about this time is just how stable I’ve become and unwavering in my faith since my healing journey began.
My mind tells me I’ll be sad if I find out this pregnancy isn’t meant to end with a healthy baby, and it’s okay if I am, but my heart knows that I will accept that this isn’t part of the divine plan for me at this time.
There truly is no more ”This is so unfair. I should’ve had the chance to have another healthy pregnancy years ago when my daughter was little, but ill health and repressed trauma didn’t allow for it. Now I’m 40 and it might never happen. Woe is me.”
I won’t lie and say that those thoughts don’t try to creep back in, but my strong and faithful spirit always jumps in and saves the day.
What will be will be. (My preteen daughter asked me just today how many more times I’m going to use this cliche phrase? 🤣...My answer: as many times as I want to, Kid; I’m a hormonal pregnant lady! 🤷♀️)
I‘m a firm believer in manifestation and using our thoughts to attract our reality, but I also know that if it’s not part of the divine plan for me, it will not happen.
So now I ask what is best for the highest good.
I want a baby if it is what is best for the baby, our family, and for the highest good. And only then. 🙏🏼
So, I’d love to tell you that I’m certain that my upcoming ultrasound will show a healthy baby and heartbeat and my blood levels will soon follow, but the fact is I’m certain of nothing.
All I know is that I am okay no matter what.
I have my health, I sleep now, my brain is clear, and not only am I able to be here for others, but I’m here for myself 100%. Life is good and my blessings are oh so plentiful. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
If this baby isn’t meant to happen, perhaps another will. In the meantime, it’s healthy to share our feelings and truths, because there is always someone who can relate and/or maybe needs to know they’re not alone.
I‘m further along than when I had the last few early miscarriages, but I have this sense of peace now, overriding any feelings of potential loss.
I know that if there are steps to be taken to increase the chances of a viable pregnancy, I will be guided to the sources I need. I haven’t been let down even once since I decided to start believing that I’m guided always.
Thank you for reading this glorified journal entry and I’m wishing you peace this holiday season no matter what you’re going through.
We are only guaranteed right now, anyway, so let’s make the most of this moment.
I love you! Xoxo
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