So, you guys know by now that I don’t hold back in my sharing when it comes to all things healing, because I believe it’s that important, to be real and raw.
Keeping secrets and lying even to myself, has never gotten me anywhere good! And so I’ll continue to openly share it all in hopes to provide any comfort to those who might be able to relate. You are never alone!
Throughout this incredible and challenging journey, I’ve faced so many obstacles and issues that desperately needed facing in order to truly heal what no longer serves. Doing so freed up space for physical healing as well as mental and emotional.
The flashbacks were and are challenging, but a necessary part of the process. Facing my demons and choosing to feel the pain instead of shoving it down with food, booze or denial was beyond difficult, but it was absolutely necessary if I was going to heal anything at all.
“The mind/body connection is everything...”
The mind/body connection is not to be underestimated, for it is everything. Trust me.
I realize that I’m still triggered left and right. The tiniest thing can still send me spiraling down the rabbit hole of irrational shame, guilt, fear, mild dissociation and rage. I have to recognize immediately what’s happening in order to use it towards healing. It gets exhausting, but I can feel it easing up over time.
I‘ve come SO far and am beyond proud and thankful, but I’d be a fool to pretend I don’t have a long way to go! Perhaps healing truly is lifelong, especially because we’re always learning, growing and evolving.
I’m noticing still, that my biggest issue is addiction to food mostly and sometimes alcohol.
I think to many, I don’t seem any different from most Americans who happen to love food and drink! Which also makes me wonder if most of us are ‘addicted’ and relying on one or both of these for comfort or to avoid facing our feelings.
“..Shoving down our fears with food is common..”
I think it’s actually a pretty common phenomenon: shoving down our fears, discomforts and concerns with food, booze or pills to avoid facing and feeling them.
Think about it: how often do you absentmindedly reach for the candy bar when stressed or grab that beer or glass of wine at the end of a long day? How often do you stop at just one? 🧐
I’m not saying this is wrong or abnormal, but just asking you why it is you feel the need to eat when not actually hungry. Why do we choose sugary foods for comfort and alcohol to forget our troubles for a while?
I think many of us are engaging in overeating and drinking in order to avoid feeling. I really do.
So many also have an addiction to being busy and on the go, whether it be overworking or taking on others’ burdens in order to avoid their own festering emotions.
The problem there, I think, is that that’s exactly what’s happening: these icky emotions have nowhere to go when we don’t face them, and so they fester in our core, letting these negative energies build up, which often leads to physical and emotional health problems. Everything from ulcers to auto-immune disease to even cancer.
“It’s no coincidence that I’ve healed so many ailments in direct relation to healing trauma.”
It‘s no coincidence that I have healed soo many physical ailments in direct relation to healing traumas. In my case, it was an absolute necessity, which I unfortunately didn’t let myself face until I was so ill that I was hardly sleeping or functioning at all. I then had no choice but to let these monsters that were eating me alive, up and out of me.
Was it hard? ... it was the hardest thing I have ever done, and what made it harder was the fear that it would be fruitless and I’d never find my way out of the trauma healing hell I’d unknowingly put myself in. I had NO idea what I was getting myself into when I decided to open those floodgates.
”It was so worth it!!!”
The thing is, I’m here now, just 2.5 years since the start of my trauma healing journey, to tell you that it was SO worth it! And as scary as it was at the time, I know now that a flashback isn’t real and it’s always quickly passing.
They are rare these days, and seem to need to come up and out after a long healing hiatus.
Back to addiction: I’ve noticed that this has been a common theme since I started this blog site over a year ago. I’m certain it’s because food, for example, is necessary for survival and there is no ‘quitting it’ cold turkey! Or at all.
And like alcohol and some drugs, one taste leaves us wanting more, and for those of us trying to forget about life or our emotions for a while, whether conscious or not, it can easily turn into a binge. In the past, it was almost like I was in a weird dream, and would ‘wake up’ minutes later with food wrappers everywhere. It didn’t help when I was taking Ambien for sleep. Talk about sleep eating! Oh my goodness. 🤦🏼♀️
As far as alcohol went, I definitely used it to avoid the pain that life brought me before facing those demons I’d cleverly shoved down for so many years. Obviously it caught up to me more than once, and I’m so incredibly thankful to say that I have it way better controlled these days.
The thing is, I’ve noticed that I still enjoy a drink or five more than many of my friends and in-laws. I do wonder now how much of this IS genetic, because my blood family, dating back generations, all love the bottle and many love drugs. I’m thankful I never chose to try street drugs, because with my family history of addiction and trauma, I doubt I would’ve come out of that alive.
I’ve lost family members to drug and alcohol overdose and suicide, and most of the surviving ones are still deep into addictions. They haven’t chosen to heal... Yet.
“... Better late than never!”
I‘ve intentionally stopped contact with them all until they decide to try. I’m not judging them, but they’re toxic to my healing and I’m doing what I have to to protect myself and my little family here. I realize now that’s what I should’ve been doing all along. Better late than never!
Anyhoozle, I’d be lying if I said that choosing to heal trauma was an easy decision. The fact is, it was my last resort, and ironically should’ve been my first.
I only hope that you choose to heal whatever trauma you are harboring before illness and addiction run you ragged. I lost so many years and I don’t want that for you. 🙏🏼
So I’m here to tell you that it is so worth it and that it can and will get better.
So much better.
As I wrap this up, as always I realize how helpful writing this has been for me!!!
A wise friend reminded me yesterday that if occasionally overeating and having a few too many is my biggest issue currently, then I’m doing pretty darn well!
I think food addiction is pretty universal and as Americans, we have access to it at our fingertips 24/7.
I am definitely noticing that over time, I seem to be getting a better handle on addictions and it seems to correlate with my overall healing progress, so I’m hopeful that with time, it will only improve.
Meanwhile, I’ll be vigilant and notice it, while trying to forgive myself for my occasional indulgences. I urge you to do the same: notice the pattern of when and why you overindulged or run yourself ragged. What are you avoiding?
Let’s always remember not to be too hard on ourselves, though. Being too hard on myself has always been another addiction. LOL! Working on it!
Anyway, I’ve just made it one full week sans alcohol OR processed foods or sugar, and although the first several days of detox were rough, it always ends up being so worth it because I feel so much lighter and freer.
Here’s hoping for more & more moderation! 🙌🏼
All my love & happy healing! xoxo❤️❤❤️
I love this pic with my daughter, but I ate about 999 lollipops that day!
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