Real Talk: Trauma Can F*ck Off
It’s always a surreal experience to write when I’m in trauma mode, but it’s also cathartic.
Today is Father’s Day, and instead of being with my incredible husband/father to my daughter and his wonderful family, I am at home coming down from yet another trauma crisis, only this one involved a massive hypertensive crisis where my blood pressure machine couldn’t even detect my pressure, which seems to happen when it’s too high to read.
Eventually, I could feel it coming down, and lo and behold, it’s now 180s/110s, with a resting pulse in the 160s.
Still pretty darn high, but not deadly. Now my symptoms are down to a dull roar with lingering head pain.
These crises are scarier than panic attacks and even flashbacks, because the physical effects are very real. Intense chest and head pressure and a feeling like my eyes will explode.
Of course panic goes along with the territory and feelings of impending doom.
This used to happen ALL of the time. Sometimes daily, and it is what sent us on a decade long hunt for answers.
I was loosely diagnosed with everything under the sun, including Pheochromocytoma, and in the end, PseudoPheochromocytoma. A Pheo is a tiny tumor on the adrenal glands that randomly secrets a jolt of excess stress hormones, causing sudden blood pressure spikes, severe tachycardia, rage, confusion and headaches.
My ‘episodes’ match the symptoms of a pheo exactly, which is why I had lab after lab and scan after scan to try to detect and confirm it.
Lo and behold, none was ever found and so I was told it’s a ‘pseudo pheo’ situation, meaning I have the symptoms without the tumor.
Who even knew that’s a thing?
Certainly not me, but I have to tell you that since choosing to face and work on healing childhood trauma, the mind/body connection is all too apparent to me now.
Unresolved trauma causes an inability to handle normal stressors and therefore leads to a chronic state of stress referred to as fight-or-flight.
Imagine you’re being chased by a lion. It‘s that feeling, only there is no lion and often the stressor isn’t any bigger than an argument with a spouse or a sleepless night. Sometimes there is no threat at all aside from the many we imagine in our minds.
The thing is, it can be so very subconscious that we aren’t able to even make the mind/body connection.
As you know if you read my blog, I became incredibly unwell with chronic Lyme disease and co-infections, leaky gut, parasitic infections, heavy metal toxicities, and severe endocrine imbalance, all of which worsened after the birth of my daughter 12 years ago.
These days I’m 80% better, but when the trauma triggers sneak up and cause these crises, it feels like I’m back at square one.
It can be hard to remember that this is temporary and that I really am okay much of the time. And as I like to say, we are all always okay no matter what, though that can get obnoxious. LOL.
It is a continuous journey and there are so many layers to uncover.
I had been feeling a bit off for a few months and tried to kind of push it down like the not-so-good old days.
Trouble is, it will always come up when it wants to, and the more I fight it, the harder it is when it
These last several days have been particularly tough, from flashbacks and gasping for air all night, to hypertensive crises today.
My biggest fear is needing to be hospitalized for any reason because that in itself is a major trigger for me, so the panic that my super high blood pressure will cause an emergency situation is real.
Thankfully, my husband has witnessed this many dozens of times and he is able to talk me down and remind me that it always comes down, as does my panic level, in due time.
It‘s just beyond scary when it’s happening. And my mind gets all muddled due to inadequate oxygen etc. My eyesight is damaged due to these crises and I’d like to leave it at that and not add stroke or heart attack to the list! 🤞🏼
This is definitely a venting post and a reminder that the mind/body connection is very real.
I’m one of the fortunates who hasn’t become ill beyond repair, and I know why these physical ailments happen and what I have to do to fix them: keep healing this damn trauma.
Trauma is intense energy and emotions trapped inside of us and it takes continuous work to release it and redirect the pathways that have been present sometimes for decades (in my case).
Oftentimes our minds don’t or won’t remember the exact trauma, while our bodies will never forget.
What helped me most is inner child work and somatic experiencing therapy, and you can find resources on those on my home page here under ‘Need Help Now?”
I’m forever working on healing addiction and will certainly keep you updated on that.
Thanks for the ear and remember, you’re never alone. There’s always someone who can relate.
We are in this together!
Eff off, trauma! K thanks.
Love & prayers, XoXo
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